The Jumpings: Rabid Stories from Who Knows Where
by I am the Cake Fairy
Summary: [oneshot][yaoi][sasunaru][authoress death, yays] Three very random stories, The Pervy Nautical Joke and the Jumping of Naruto, The Auto Insurance Commercial and the Jumping of Sasuke, and The Love Love Shine and the Jumping of the Authoress


_(Author-ess tells herself that she should really be working on her Pink FlexiRuler stories, but this came to her mind and she really needed to write this down before her mind (which often wandered too much and too far for it own good and OH MY GOD IS THAT A BUG ON MAH SCREEN?!) got caught up in something else._

_Warning: Not for children under the age of 18. The fact that the author-ess herself is under that age is completely beside the point._

_Mm-kays! You should know, Naruto belongs to know one who writes on this site, let alone little me!_

* * *

_ --_**The Pervy Nautical Joke and the Jumping of Naruto**--

Naruto positively bounded up to Sasuke one day after their shifts were over.

"SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASUKE!" Naruto yelled, promptly killing several nearby squirrels. They were weak. They needed to be eliminated. Therefore their deaths do not matter, and also very pointless to the plot of this story. But frankly, I honestly do not believe that this story is worth even thinking of a plot for. Or even bothering to make sense. So nya.

"Hn?" hn'd the world's most apathetic bastard. Now, normally that title would be all capitalized and yeah, but that is also beside the point.

"I have this really cool joke I need to tell you!" Naruto told his friend. Sasuke had the...something...to at least look a little interested in what his best friend had to say. "Kiba told me! He said that Hinata told him first, so it can't be that bad! I mean, I didn't really get it, but I'm sure you would."

Now normally, Sasuke would've taken this time to insult the blonde's intelligence, but he chose not to. Why, you may ask? Well I don't know, so leave me alone, dammit!

"Well, what is it?" asked Sasuke, after the blonde began zoning out for awhile. Naruto started, then grinned sheepishly.

"Right! Now how did it go? ...Oh, yes!" Sasuke sighed, mentally preparing himself.

"What's hard..." A mental image that wasn't entirely _un_pleasant popped into Sasuke's head, but he immediately shook it away, thinking to himself something along the lines of, '_I'm straight or asexual, I'm straight or asexual, I'm straight or asexual,_ etc.'

"Long..." Another mental image popped into Sasuke's head. Except this was more of a scene. That involved him. And a certain blue-haired, blonde-eyed dobe... I mean...yeah, you know what I mean. Is it me, or does everyone else out there think Sasuke's a perv?

"And filled with semen?" Oh, that did it. Sasuke had a full-fledged nosebleed, and prepared himself for blast off.

"A submarine! Get it, Sasuke? Get it Sasu- SASUmmmphfff---" And so ends the story of The Pervy Nautical Joke and The Jumping of Naruto. Not really. But I don't really feel like going into detail, talking about the hot, kinky sex those two had, after Naruto FINALLY just gave up and submitted. I also do not feel like going over how friggin' long it took to clean those gosh darned sheets because the stains just WOULDN'T come out and...yeah. You get the idea, un.

* * *

--**The Auto Insurance Commercial and The Jumping of Sasuke**--

_"You! I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you-"_ The wonderful, wonderful music of youth and joy and all things good in the world was suddenly cut short by a very embarrassed and flustered and some other synonym to either of those words Uchiha Sasuke aka the world's most apathetic bastard, who was not in fact as apathetic as some people, like Shino-kun or Neji-kun or Deidara-chan (who looks way too much like a girl to not be called Deidara-chan, and in fact so does Neji-kun, but I've already written kun at the end of his name twice, so I ain't changing it) or Tobi-kun or Haku-san (DUN DIE HAKU-SAN!), might just think. The author-ess was just killed for writing a sentence was entirely too long. But then she came back so she could write inappropriate fluff. Because, dear children, inappropriate fluff is the only good type of fluff, unless it's pure, fluffy chocolate-and-cotton-candy-at-the-fair-licking-each-other-at-the-top-of-the-ferris-wheel-and-threatening-to-fall-out-of-the-cab-because-of-the-totally-hot-kinky-sex-you-are-having-up-their-even-in-the-full-view-of-children-but-you-honestly-don't-give-a-damn-about-the-lost-innocence-of-some-snot-nosed-brat-that-you-don't-even-friggin'-know-for-God's-sake fluff. Oh, wait. That _is_ the inappropriate fluff. Heh.

"_God_, Naruto, what kind of crap _do_ you listen to?!" the very flustered Uchiha demanded, turning the station so they listened to a more appropriate song. That song happened to be Candy Shop by Usher. That was not appropriate in the least bit, so it was changed to Let's Talk About Sex. That to was changed. This time it (it of course being the song) was Which Backstreet Boy is Gay, then Can You Feel The Love Tonight, followed by Do You Think I'm Pretty, and If You Were Gay, and Love Love Shine, and Bad Boy until finally Sasuke totally (almost) killed the car radio. Was every radio station against him today? So he ended up turning it to a seemingly harmless song entitled, "Good Riddance".

"What? Electric Six is one of my favorite bands, and that was a totally awesome song!" Naruto defended. "I also like those other songs, too!"

"But they're so...gay!"

"..."

"..."

"...and why do you have a problem with that? I mean, you're my _boyfriend_. You should be _happy_ if a song's less than straight!"

"...Oh yeah..." And to those of you who didn't know this: blue-nettes, as people such as Sasuke (look at the color of his hair) are so fondly called, are allowed to have blonde moments as well. And to those of you who are wondering, people like Itachi are called many things (i.e. traitor, bastard senior, evil one, one-who-must-be-killed-at-all-costs-and-I-don't-figgin'-care-if-I-have-to-hang-out-with-some-snake-freak-who-looks-sounds-and-acts-like-Michael-Jackson-in-order-to-accomplish-that-goal-so-nya!) but the one thing that they are called regarding their hair, is old. Because just look at his hair. It's gray. He's so old.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere (well, not technically, but I really don't feel like flipping through my science book to find the explanation because it's the weekend, and I shouldn't even have to look at a text book let alone read and flip through it) a car-insurance commercial came on.

Now this may not sound important, but believe me it is. Very. Indeed so. Cha. Yeah. Un. Okay, I'll get to the point.

"Allstate. Are you in good hands?" asked the voice on the radio.

"HELL YEAH!" replied Naruto, and for once in the relationship, jumped Sasuke. And so ends the story of The Auto Insurance Commercial and The Jumping of Sasuke. Not really. But I don't really feel like going into detail, talking about the hot, kinky sex those two had, after Naruto FINALLY just gave up and submitted. I also do not feel like going over how friggin' long it took to clean those gosh darned seat covers in the car because the stains just WOULDN'T come out and...yeah. You get the idea, un. Again.

* * *

--**The Love Love Shine and the Jumping of the Author-ess**--

Naruto and Sasuke stared in horror and/ or shock and/ or unadulterated rage and/ or complete bliss, but that last one wasn't really a logical option, so just pretend it wasn't there, kays? Kays.

ANYWAY, Sasuke and Naruto...no wait, it was Naruto and Sasuke stood staring at the author-ess, most likely wanting to kill her guts dead, or some other horrible painful redundant thing. Because we all know how redundant ninjas can be: "Ramen! I love ramen! Ramen I love! Love I ramen! I wanna become hokage...and eat ramen for free cuz I loves it so much!" "I will kill my brother. I must kill my brother. I have sworn to kill my brother. I must avenge my clan...by killing my brother."

But before anything too painful could befall her, the author-ess grinned maniacally, rivaling Sasuke's curse-seal-taking-over-his-body-and-wanting-to-break-someone's-arms-completely-off-for-some-reason-that-the-poor-forgetful-author-ess-has-of-course-forgotten-so-please-forgive-her-O-Great-Haku-San-Who-Should-Not-Have-Died, and said happily, "Incest is no excuse," before running like hell in the opposite direction.

The two boys stared at each other, both thinking, "Wah...?" Then Sasuke said, "I think she was implying something between my brother and I (the same brother who I've sworn to kill, believe it or not)."

"Shall we jump her, and then torture her?" asked Naruto giddily.

"As long as it's not sexual torture."

"From us? Eew! I was thinking, like, no yaoi fan-fictions for a month or whatever."

"You're too soft. What about we stick so many shuriken and kunai in her that she looks like she belongs to the sewing club?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Hey you know what?"

"What?"

"We really should be racing off after her to stick her with various sharp objects/"

"You're right for once."

"Phsaw, as if, dobe."

"Teme."

And off they ran, to jump and maul the author-ess.

As the author-ess ran, she passed two of her guy pals, and she called out, "Ohayo, Chad-chan, Zack-chan!" It was a good thing neither knew what chan meant. Ignorance is bliss. The author-ess should know.

"Ohayo, Annilicious!" Chad-chan responded spontaneously while Zack-can replied solemnly, "Ohayo, Annwan-chanban!"

"Love you love you sunshine!" the author-ess squealed before she died, stuck full of shurikens and kunai. And once their goal was finished, Naruto and Sasuke celebrated. And so ends the story of The Love Love Shine and the Jumping of the Author-ess. Not really. But I don't really feel like going into detail, talking about the hot, kinky sex those two had, after Naruto FINALLY just gave up and submitted. I also do not feel like going over how friggin' long it took to clean those gosh darned...well, everything, come to think of it...because the stains just WOULDN'T come out and...yeah. You get the idea, un. Again. For the last time. Well, that I tell you that. Believe me, there will be many, many more times!

* * *

_How com every time I write myself into these stories, I end up dying? Oh well. Tis quite fun to kill myself. In fiction at least. I do not cherish the thought of suicide. In fact the only thought on suicide that I have is, "No, boys are way too cute." No, wait, that'smy thought on this possibility of me being gay. Heh. Anyway, reviews are welcomed, as are flames because I know this guys who has a pretty cold heart, but I like him lot's, and I'm pretty sure the flames will help me melt his heart of ice! W/e.  
_


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